Hollywood Got A Clue, And They’ll Get Another

Hasbro has made it known recently that they are completely unfulfilled with just selling toys and board games. I guess they’re hurting like everyone else, unable to get their net income out of the low hundreds of millions.

To beef up the income statement, they’re making movies out of every damn property they’ve got, be it a game for babies or some random damn toy. Monopoly, Candy Land, Stretch-Friggin-Armstrong. Really, there are no depths they won’t plumb.

But for some reason, some shitass fucking reason, that’s not good enough. They can’t just pick some game off the shelf, throw it on the table and call it good. Nooooo. They’ve got to go after the one, THE LONE, SINGLE BOARD GAME MOVIE THAT ALREADY EXISTS [...]

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Horror Movie Musings

I’ve been watching a lot of horror movies lately. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad. Are there any good horror movies made in the US anymore?

With these half-assed horror remakes, is it better to see the original first to know what the remake did so wrong or see the remake first to see what the original did so well?

How can a deranged killer elude an entire police force, find every hidden entrance and exit, kill everyone that gets in his way, and somehow manage to be outsmarted by a teenage girl?

When a cop is stationed in their cruiser outside a house, it’s usually a death sentence.

To date, John Carpenter and Wes Craven have both had 11% of their movies remade, [...]

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Weekend Report: Madea Shanks The Competition

Despite only opening two movies and having the second lowest weekend box office total of the year, somehow it was still a record-breaking weekend. I had predicted $14,363,931 for Madea Goes to Jail, but I must have transposed some numbers or something because this movie, it took in $41,030,947. It crushed anything Tyler Perry has put out before. Crushed by $11 million. I guess more people were looking forward to this than expected. Or at least more than anything else showing this weekend: the next closest movie was $30 million back.

As for the record, it’s said that this was the biggest ever opening on the fewest number of screens. What the hell that means, I know not. How do you even calculate something [...]

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Weekend Report: Sweet Jesus

This was a great weekend at the movies. That’s a comment on the amount of money pulled in at the box office, not on the copious number of quality movies. The total take was $189,007,885, up 22% from last week and 36% from last year. The long weekend was good to many movies- through Sunday, Taken was off just 8% from last week, Coraline 12%, and Paul Blart [sigh] was up 1%.

But all that means less than nothing when it’s fueled by another godforsaken remake. Friday the 13th pulled in with $40,570,365, $9 million above my prediction. The fact that it was released on Friday the 13th no doubt gave it a boost, but the wide appeal of horror movies these days has [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 02-13-09

It’s understandable if you suffer a little déjà vu when you peruse the new releases this weekend. For the third week in a row we’ve got a new romantic comedy, a low profile action-centric movie, and a horror movie.

There is a Friday the 13th remake. I predict $31,622,044.

The second biggest release this weekend is Confessions of a Shopaholic. A romantic comedy based on the popular book of the same name. What differentiates this movie from He’s Just Not The Into You is the lack of big names and a PG rating. Maybe it’s just that I’m a dude, or maybe these movies are just directed at fans of the books, but even though I’ve seen the trailers for both these movies several [...]

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OHDEARGOD A Slapshot Remake?

slap-shotCompared to other sports, hockey has been relatively untouched by Hollywood. It’d be easier to name a high percentage of all the hockey movies ever made than any other sport. I’m not sure how many there really are, but this list of hockey movies has everything I could think of and a few I’ve never heard of, 16 in all. Maybe it’s our way of showing Canada that they’re just America’s hat. Or maybe it’s just not popular enough to garner much attention.

Even though there have been so few hockey movies, it looks like all the hockey ideas have been used up. Universal Pictures is prepping a remake of Slap Shot. It’s often regarded [...]

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Time For A Predator Do-Over

angry-predatorJust because a movie was made, does that necessitate that it needs to be remade? That damn well seems the case lately, with practically every movie made between 1970 and 1990 getting a do-over.

The whole 3-D thing, it’s not just that it opens a new revenue stream for the studios. Part of the inertia behind it is so when all these movies are remade a second time, they’ll all be in 3-D. It’ll be different enough so that John Q. Moviepatron won’t realize that he’s seeing the same thing for a third time.

The rumors have started to solidify around a Predator remake. It’s been something Robert Rodriguez has been involved with for some [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 12-12-08

What a weekend for the triumphant return of the weekend predictions. We’ve got a overwrought sci-fi remake and an animated movie that no one has heard of. They’re the two widest releases, but they’re on total opposite ends of the spectrum.

Check out the handy spreadsheet.

The biggest release of the weekend, and the biggest in Alpha Centauri, is The Day the Earth Stood Still. If they were going to send a movie into space, why not a good movie? Fortunately all the residents of Alpha Centauri have four years for this movie to arrive. At least they have more time to prepare. The rest of us have to endure this mess right now. It’s funny that both Keanu Reeves and director Scott Derrickson [...]

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Public Domain Movie Of The Week: Night Of The Living Dead

The modern zombie, the mindless, shambling, flesh- and brain-eating undead ghoul, was born in Night of the Living Dead. [...]

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The Karate Kid To Be Remade, Miyagi-san Weeps

With all the dignity of a crane kick to the face, Columbia Pictures has announced they are going remake The Karate Kid. [...]

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