Weekend Predictions: 02-06-09

this-baby-says-boringIf you’re going to see a movie this month, might as well make it this weekend. This is as good as it’ll get until March, when some event movies start showing up. Until then it just gets more bleak every week.

Don’t be embarrassed to ogle the spreadsheet.

First up this week is The Pink Panther 2. No, this isn’t a re-release and re-titling of A Shot in the Dark, it’s a sequel to 2006′s The Pink Panther. The first one made plenty of money, so a sequel was inevitable and I predict, as worthless. Steve Martin, shame on you. While Martin should be walking around wearing a scarlet thumbs down, the real asshole is [...]

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Great Caesar’s Ghost! Candy Land The Movie?!

I could swear I remember reading something about board game movies being one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Well, maybe not, but they certainly sound like something that could only happen before our world comes to an end.

Movies based on board games have thankfully been few and far between, but they’ve suddenly turned into one of the preeminent genres in movies. First comes the head-scratcher that Ridley Scott is going to direct a movie based on Monopoly. Somehow that announcement legitimized board games as an honest place to go dumpster diving for ideas.

Now we can also prepare ourselves to receive the cinematic wonders of a movie based on Candy Land, the basically premise-less game- you draw cards to move along colored [...]

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OHDEARGOD A Slapshot Remake?

slap-shotCompared to other sports, hockey has been relatively untouched by Hollywood. It’d be easier to name a high percentage of all the hockey movies ever made than any other sport. I’m not sure how many there really are, but this list of hockey movies has everything I could think of and a few I’ve never heard of, 16 in all. Maybe it’s our way of showing Canada that they’re just America’s hat. Or maybe it’s just not popular enough to garner much attention.

Even though there have been so few hockey movies, it looks like all the hockey ideas have been used up. Universal Pictures is prepping a remake of Slap Shot. It’s often regarded [...]

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Weekend Report: Everyone’s Taken With Taken

The Super Bowl was not kind to the theaters. The total take at the box office was $103,002,446- 20% off from last week, but it was up $2 million from last year, so I guess that’s a success.

It turns out Liam Neeson is an action star. If I had said Taken would account for 24% of the total money spent at movie theaters this past weekend, I wouldn’t have waited for you to call me crazy, I’d have done it myself. It almost doubled my prediction and nearly hit the $26 million I originally calculated. The $24,717,037 it made was pretty impressive considering it nearly doubled up on the most popular movie of 2009- Paul Blart: Mall Cop. And it was the biggest [...]

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5 Alternative Sports Movies For The Offseason

Since the NFL season ends today and won’t be seen again until August, it seems like a good time to study up on some of the non-mainstream sports you might take an interest in until football returns.

Rollerball

rollerballDo I really need to say this would the 1975 version of Rollerball that I’m talking about? I wish it weren’t the case, because Chris Klein couldn’t even be in the same room as James Caan’s jockstrap, let alone hold it. The year is 2018 and Rollerball is THE sport. Two teams of ten (seven skaters and three on motorcycles) circle the track in an attempt to get possession of a grapefruit-sized steel ball and place it [...]

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Time For A Predator Do-Over

angry-predatorJust because a movie was made, does that necessitate that it needs to be remade? That damn well seems the case lately, with practically every movie made between 1970 and 1990 getting a do-over.

The whole 3-D thing, it’s not just that it opens a new revenue stream for the studios. Part of the inertia behind it is so when all these movies are remade a second time, they’ll all be in 3-D. It’ll be different enough so that John Q. Moviepatron won’t realize that he’s seeing the same thing for a third time.

The rumors have started to solidify around a Predator remake. It’s been something Robert Rodriguez has been involved with for some [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 01-30-09

This will most likely be a poor weekend for movies. If you hadn’t heard, “The Big Game” is this Sunday. “The Big Game” is the Super Bowl, but since the NFL protects it’s intellectual properties like no other, you’ll hear “The Big Game” a whole lot more than Super Bowl. They tried to trademark “The Big Game” too, but that was going too far. Since the Super Bowl effectively makes Sunday the day the Earth stands still, probably going to cut into box office returns.

Check out the prediction calculations here.

The biggest new release of the weekend is Taken. The difference between this and the Luc Besson-Jason Statham actioners is that Liam Neeson is a fairly respected actor and gives the movie a [...]

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Rebooting Tomb Raider- The Movie, Not The Game

lara-croft-rhona-mitraDo you happen to remember the movie Lara Croft: Tomb Raider? How about Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life? Yes? No? Doesn’t matter, they’re starting from scratch.

When Time Warner upped it’s stake in video game publisher Eidos in December, the film rights to Tomb Raider were part of the deal. Now they’ve announced the rebooting of the Tomb Raider movie franchise, replete with a reworking of the Lara Croft character- new back-story, villains, love interests, yippee! I mean that whole thing with her being a rich English adventurer following in the footsteps of her dad was sooooo tired. It totally needs a revamp because… who the hell knows? A total whitewashing of [...]

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A-Team Movie Nearing A Reality

“In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.”

a-team-picHas there ever been a better premise for a TV show? The A-Team worked because it was exciting (at least to a little kid), silly, and perfectly cast. Could you find two actors as disparate as George Peppard and Mr. T? Doubtful, but the characters really [...]

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Weekend Report: Someone Keeps Blarting In The Theater

It happened again. Against all odds, or at least good judgment, Paul Blart: Mall Cop is tops at the box office for the second week in a row, finagling $21,623,182 out of unsuspecting moviegoers. It’s mind-bottling that this movie has made $65 million. Success of this magnitude guarantees more of this drivel. I can’t wait for the sequel- Hank Shart: Parking Lot Attendant.

Needless to say, my prediction of $27,139,887 for Underworld: Rise of the Lycans was off. Underworld ended the weekend in second place with $20,828,511. With all the recent success of horror movies, I really expected it to do better. Maybe My Bloody Valentine’s $10 million cut into it’s profits a little. Or maybe people aren’t all that into the whole vampire [...]

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