How Long Is Long Enough To Start Talking About A Do-Over?

power-buttonThough I have already grown awfully weary of superhero/comic book movies, most of the world has yet to embrace that view. You seemingly can’t hit up any movie website without finding a story about some superhero/comic book movie that is/will be/might hopefully be coming out. Even here, where I’m bitching about those movies.

The movie studios and their comic cohorts are trying to make a movie of every damn comic that’s ever been made. It’s like every obscure comic they can find. Fathom, Jonah Hex, or Preacher anyone? Yeah, apparently those are comic books coming soon to a theater near you.

With both popular and obscure superhero/comic movies in the works and decades of comics [...]

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Weekend Report: Watchmen Crushes The Competition

Even though Watchmen fell $13 million short of my $68,475,712 prediction, it spanked the competition. Madea Goes to Jail came in second with $8.5 million., so my prediction of no other movie cracking $10 million was pretty astute. In fact, Watchmen was the only movie in the top 20 to crack $4,000 per theater.

Somehow Taken ended in 3rd place with $7 million. That’s a real solid number for a movie in it’s sixth week. The Jonas Brother’s Concert, last week’s number two (and will always be a number two in my mind), fell off the face of the Earth, only able to make $2.8 million for the weekend. That’s a 77% drop.

The pisspoor performer of the weekend was a very deserving Friday [...]

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Why Bother Remaking Missing In Action If It’s Direct-To-Video?

missing-in-actionWhen is a door not a door? When it’s ajar. When is a remake not a remake? When it’s an update.

Missing in Action, basically the same as Rambo: First Blood Part II but released a year earlier, was reasonably popular back in it’s day. Vietnam movies were in vogue and everyone loves the idea of a man risking his life to rescue forgotten MIAs. There’s not a more noble premise for a war movie, is there? It was popular enough that the following year a prequel, filmed consecutively with the original, was released, and a sequel a couple years after that. Since Braddock: Missing in Action III, no one’s really given much thought to [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 03-06-09

watchmenThe question is who’s watching the Watchmen? The answer is damn near everyone since this is the only new wide release this weekend. Every other movie apparently trembles in fear of Watchmen’s greatness.

I’ve never been into comics or their high-minded cousin the graphic novel, or all this superhero nonsense either. Really, it just does nothing for me. If it’s a good movie, then great. If it’s not, then it ain’t much of a surprise. A lot of people are already in love with the movie because they love the graphic novel, but a good source does not a good movie make. Although I haven’t read more handful of comics, I know enough to know [...]

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30 Great Sequels That Haven’t Happened. Yet.

Castaway 2: Wilson’s Revenge

The Deer Hunter: The Next Generation

Harry and the Hendersons 2: Let’s Get Hairy

Remo Williams: The Adventure Ends

Chaplin II: 23 Skidoo

The Continuing Adventures of Ford Fairlane

The Return of George Kaplan: North by Northwest 2

American History XI

8ight

The Fourth Man

Platoon 2: In the Shit

Searching for Bobby Fischer 2, Learning to Castle

Jerry Maguire: Holdout

Traffic Jam – An Easy Rider Tale

Yours, Mine and Ours 2: Who’s Your Daddy?

Breakfast at Tiffany’s: Out to Brunch!

Freaks 2: Freakier

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No One Knows What To Do With These Board Game Movies

cant-believe-thisWith a deluge of board game movies in pre-production, and more announced damn near every day, you’d think Hasbro (who seems to be behind all of these things) would have some plan, some formula to get these things on the big screen. It seems like they’re just randomly selecting a property and throwing it out there with a pile of money, giving the project to whomever trips over it. But really, they’ve got to have some plan, right?

MTV was able to get the scoop on a couple of these movies and it seems, just like we may ponder about how the hell it could translate into a movie, the filmmakers haven’t a clue either.

[...]

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Weekend Report: I Thought The Jonas Brothers Were Popular

jonas-confusedLast year, the Hanna Montana 3D concert movie pulled in an unreal $45,561 per screen on it’s opening weekend. That was kind of the baseline most people were looking at for the Jonas Brothers movie. No one really thought it would go quite that high, but still, most people thought it might be in the ballpark. The Internet is full of arguments about the popularity of Miley Cyrus versus the Jonas Brothers, so you’d expect fans would’ve turned out in droves this weekend.

As it turns out, not that many people really give a shit about the Jonas Brothers. The movie made $12,510,374, averaging $9,843 per theater. That’s good for most movies, but it’s barely [...]

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Porn and Hamlet SOUNDS Like A Good Idea…

naughty-shakespeareOkay, maybe the combination of porn and Hamlet appeals more to Shakespearean fetishists. I suppose there are people out there that could be really turned on by pornstars speaking their lines in iambic pentameter. But no, I didn’t get to experience this new art form, I got the porn and Hamlet in two different movies: Zack and Miri Make a Porno and Hamlet 2.

Zack and Miri, it’s about these two people named Zack and Miri. They’re like best friends and all, they’ve lived together since high school, but it’s like totally platonic. And these two, it’s a bit of a surprise, but they’re financially retarded. Despite both having regular jobs, they can’t seem to [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 02-27-09

It’s another barnburner of a weekend for movies! There are two fine new films being released this week. It’s too bad they’re getting released so early in the year- it will definitely hurt their chances of picking up nominations for next year’s big awards. Pfft!

If the Jonas Brothers curl your toes, prepare for the orgasm of your life. Finally, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience is here. If you’re asking yourself what the hell a Jonas Brother is and why should I care, the answers are nothing significant and don’t bother. Just ignore this and go see that movie about the transvestite in prison or any of the other fine movies that have been released lately. And if the Jonas Brothers do get [...]

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Hollywood Got A Clue, And They’ll Get Another

Hasbro has made it known recently that they are completely unfulfilled with just selling toys and board games. I guess they’re hurting like everyone else, unable to get their net income out of the low hundreds of millions.

To beef up the income statement, they’re making movies out of every damn property they’ve got, be it a game for babies or some random damn toy. Monopoly, Candy Land, Stretch-Friggin-Armstrong. Really, there are no depths they won’t plumb.

But for some reason, some shitass fucking reason, that’s not good enough. They can’t just pick some game off the shelf, throw it on the table and call it good. Nooooo. They’ve got to go after the one, THE LONE, SINGLE BOARD GAME MOVIE THAT ALREADY EXISTS [...]

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