Weekend Predictions: 01-09-09

the-unborn-posterFinally, some new releases for 2009. Since we’re now out of award qualification season, we’ll start to see more crappy movies as the studios dump them into the toilet bowl that is January. The two biggest new releases this weekend are Bride Wars and The Unborn. Please, whatever you do, go see something else. See Marley and Me again. Watch clouds pass by. Just don’t see either of these two movies- your brains cells will be better for it.

Check out all the details on the spreadsheet.

Two women, best friends, are getting married. They’ll be each other’s maids of honor. They’ve both booked their dream venue, The Plaza Hotel. But by some fluke their [...]

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If Citizen Kane Was Required Viewing In School, Would The World Be A Better Place?

citizen-kaneCitizen Kane is most often cited as the greatest movie ever made. There’s really no point in arguing that because everything about it is superlative. The acting and direction are perfect. The cinematography and staging are breathtaking. Some will argue for other movies, but Kane is flawless. If I were forced to make one concession, it would be that Casablanca’s script was better. Maybe.

I think it’s safe to say that movies have become the art form of the masses. Walk up to a random person and try to talk about the most popular painting, play, sculpture, song, or book (religious texts aside), and you may have a hard time getting a conversation going. Talk [...]

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The Expendables Gets Better

sylvester-stallone-punchI previously posed that Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables might be the greatest movie ever made. With every tidbit of news that seeps out about the movie, that idea moves from postulate to fact.

The latest news on the greatest movie is that Mickey Rourke is joining the cast. He’ll play an arms dealer that outfits the mercenaries in their attempt to overthrow a South American dictator. Rourke will join Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Jason Statham, and Randy Couture, with Forest Whitaker and Sir Ben Kingsley also contemplating roles.

The buzz surrounding Rourke’s performance in The Wrestler couldn’t have hurt, but Stallone and Rourke have been on good terms since Get Carter, Rourke’s return to [...]

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Public Domain Movie Of The Week: The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari

dr-caligari-peekingThe Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, or of you want to impress your friends with your fluency in German- Das Cabinet des Dr. Caligari, is often considered to be the first horror movie ever made. It’s debatable as to what the first horror movie actually is, or what constitutes horror for that matter, but most people give it to Caligari. But any debate on that is pretty irrelevant because Dr. Caligari is one heck of a movie.

Told mostly in flashback, the story centers on the evil Dr. Caligari. He travels the countryside wowing people with the predictions of his psychic somnambulist. During one of his shows at a local fair, a man asks the somnambulist [...]

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Did Mike Meyers Make The Worst Movie Of 2008?

Up until a few years ago, I always felt compelled to finish watching a movie once I started. I think it’s most likely that I’ve always thought that even if a movie doesn’t entertain, at least I could learn what makes a movie bad. I’m not sure if I’ve just seen enough movies that I get bored easily or that I’ve finally realized I won’t be around forever and value my remaining time way too much, but if I can’t find a reason to keep watching a movie past the first act, I’m done.

the-love-guruOne of the most recent victims of my new philosophy was The Love Guru. And I couldn’t even give that pile [...]

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Assessing The Weekend: Quiet As A Mouse

christmas-mouseI suppose it was pretty appropriate that a movie about a mouse was released on the last quiet weekend of the year. It wasn’t the smallest weekend of the year, but after a booming November, December has really tailed off. Maybe it’s due to the quality of the movies or maybe the general bad weather across most of the country. Whichever it really is, I attribute it to the former.

Yes Man won the weekend with an $18 million haul. It wasn’t spectacular, but it was enough. It was well short of my $28 million prediction. Part of my misfire was due to producer David Heyman’s last four movies averaging between $17,000 and $26,000 per [...]

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5 Christmas Movies I’ll Be Watching

I’ve never really been hot on all the traditional Christmas movies. Miracle on 34th Street and It’s a Wonderful Life are swell enough, but I don’t get an itch to see them again. Truth be told, it doesn’t really feel like Christmas until I watch some South Park Christmas episodes. But if I’m going to watch a Christmas movie, I’ll pick one of these.

lethal-weapon-posterInstead of Santa and Rudolph, I’ll take Murtaugh and Riggs. From Jingle Bell Rock leading from the opening credits to a mostly naked woman committing suicide to a drug bust in a Christmas tree lot to Riggs giving Murtaugh a Christmas present of the bullet he’d been saving to kill himself, [...]

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Public Domain Movie Of The Week: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

santa-claus-conquers-the-martiansI’ve been wanting to get this up as the Movie of the Week for a while, but I had to force myself to wait until Christmas. Not only is this a great holiday movie, it’s also always near the top of worst movie ever made lists.

Nearly everything about the movie is bad. Odd story, bad acting, worse costumes, absent production values, and uncomfortable scenes between Santa and the kids. The only thing that could draw any compliments would be the inclusion of some stock footage. It doesn’t make the movie any better, but it doesn’t make it worse, either.

The children of Mars are looking for something to relieve the boredom of Martian life, [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 12-19-08

tale-of-despereaux-bookWell it’s finally the big, huge pre-Christmas weekend. It’s also the weekend where they shoehorn in the movies that couldn’t hang with the big boys in November but are too big to dump in January.

Snatch up a copy of my spreadsheet before they’re all gone.

The biggest release this weekend is Yes Man, in 3,434 theaters. It looks to be Jim Carrey’s return to inane comedy. He hasn’t gotten to run around flapping his arms and making faces much since Bruce Almighty. You could argue that Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who and Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events were big successes for Carrey, but seeing as how there’s someone else’s name in [...]

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New Great Gatsby Sure To Have An Excess Of Excess

baz-luhrmann-directsIt could be that the last film adaptation was 34 years ago and is ripe for the picking. Or maybe The Curious Case of Benjamin Button started a run on F. Scott Fitzgerald’s books. Whatever the reason, Baz Luhrmann has purchased the rights to The Great Gatsby. There hasn’t been any development on the project since Luhrmann’s waiting until after Australia’s award run (yeah right).

I personally consider Luhrmann to be the Tobe Hooper of romance- if it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing. Even though he doesn’t really do subtlety, Luhrmann has been able to embrace his cinematic flamboyance to great success. Who knows how it would have turned out, but I still wonder what [...]

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