Entertainment Weekly Wouldn’t Know Cool If It Bit Them In The Ass

by Furious
April 13th, 2009

Merriam-Webster defines the slang form of the word cool as:

very good: excellent; also: all right

Using this as a guideline, Entertainment Weekly tried to create a list of the 20 All-Time Coolest Heroes in Pop Culture. In descending order they are:

20. Sydney Bristow

19. Atticus Finch

18. Batman

17. Nancy Drew

16. Jack Bauer

15. Dirty Harry

14. Will Kane

13. Foxy Brown

12. Captain James T. Kirk

11. Mad Max

10. Spider-Man

9. Robin Hood

8. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

7. Han Solo

6. John McClane

5. Ellen Ripley

4. Harry Potter

3. Superman

2. Indiana Jones

1. James Bond

There’s a lot to quibble about with this list, but there is one huge glaring eyesore of a problem with this list. It sits right …

Popularity: 24% [?]

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How Long Is Long Enough To Start Talking About A Do-Over?

by Furious
March 11th, 2009

Though I have already grown awfully weary of superhero/comic book movies, most of the world has yet to embrace that view. You seemingly can’t hit up any movie website without finding a story about some superhero/comic book movie that is/will be/might hopefully be coming out. Even here, where I’m bitching about those movies.

The movie studios and their comic cohorts are trying to make a movie of every damn comic that’s ever been made. It’s like every obscure comic they can find. Fathom, Jonah Hex, or Preacher anyone? Yeah, apparently those are comic books coming soon to a theater near you.

With both popular and obscure superhero/comic movies in the works and decades of comics to pull from, you’d think there would be plenty of fresh new movies coming out for years. You’d think that, but you’d be wrong.

As we learned in …

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Horror Movie Musings

by Furious
February 25th, 2009

I’ve been watching a lot of horror movies lately. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad. Are there any good horror movies made in the US anymore?

With these half-assed horror remakes, is it better to see the original first to know what the remake did so wrong or see the remake first to see what the original did so well?

How can a deranged killer elude an entire police force, find every hidden entrance and exit, kill everyone that gets in his way, and somehow manage to be outsmarted by a teenage girl?

When a cop is stationed in their cruiser outside a house, it’s usually a death sentence.

To date, John Carpenter and Wes Craven have both had 11% of their movies remade, with more remakes in the works. They’ve each been credited as a producer on some of those remakes. Does that make them financial geniuses or corrupt artists?

When someone shoots the

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Popularity: 15% [?]

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Truth In Advertising?

by Furious
January 19th, 2009

I inadvertently saw a commercial for Without a Paddle: Nature Calling, which was apparently released on DVD last week. It was news to me, but anything about this movie would be because I would never advertently try to gain any info on this movie. It must be a sequel to the Seth Green/Matthew Lillard/Dax Shepard barnburner Without a Paddle.

Ordinarily seeing a commercial for a sequel I would never see to a movie I never saw and have no plans to see would cause my brain to engage boob tube zombie mode where the images hit my eyeballs but fail to leave a lasting impression on my cerebral cortex. Unfortunately something caught my attention and now, for better or worse but most likely worse, I’ll forever have a part of my brain dedicated to Without a Paddle: Nature Calling.

So what was so incredible that it could break through my zombie-like state

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Popularity: 19% [?]

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Did Mike Meyers Make The Worst Movie Of 2008?

by Furious
January 3rd, 2009

Up until a few years ago, I always felt compelled to finish watching a movie once I started. I think it’s most likely that I’ve always thought that even if a movie doesn’t entertain, at least I could learn what makes a movie bad. I’m not sure if I’ve just seen enough movies that I get bored easily or that I’ve finally realized I won’t be around forever and value my remaining time way too much, but if I can’t find a reason to keep watching a movie past the first act, I’m done.

One of the most recent victims of my new philosophy was The Love Guru. And I couldn’t even give that pile until the first act. By the time it got to the hockey rink, I was through with it. In those few minutes it was annoying, stupid, idiotic,

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Popularity: 22% [?]

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Indiana Jones And The Spaceship Of Crap

by Furious
December 3rd, 2008

The latest Indiana Jones movie went through several names before they settled on Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. There were Indiana Jones and the: Saucer Men from Mars, City of Gods, Destroyer of Worlds, Son of Indiana Jones, Mysterians, Atomic Ants, Phantom City of Gods. A couple of those have to be jokes, but honestly, it clearly illustrates the asinine journey this movie took.

Psychic alien skulls and inter-dimensional flying saucers are about as relevant to the Indiana Jones universe as the appendix to the human body- they’re unnecessary and you’re often better off getting rid of them. It could be argued that the religious relics of the previous three movies were just as ridiculous, but at least they’re existence would be applicable to a movie about an archaeologist. Last time I looked, Indiana Jones was no extraterrestrial researcher.

Well before the

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5 Directors I Hate- And You Should Too

by Furious
October 2nd, 2008

So, these guys are terrible. I mean so awful they make me wish for an acute case of hysterical blindness. Or maybe a sharp stick to jab out my eyes and the eyes of anyone sitting near me.

Popularity: 11% [?]

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Two Masters Of Horror Talking Remakes

by Furious
September 24th, 2008

You know I hate remakes, but, hey, this is just me bitching. Let’s take a look at a couple people who are actually affected: John Carpenter and Dario Argento.

Popularity: 9% [?]

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5 Animated Characters I Wish Never Existed

by Furious
September 1st, 2008

This motley crew of animated jerks can throw me into a vitriolic rant as easily as any living person. The worst thing about these characters is that I first saw some of them when I was a little kid and they will account for some of the oldest movie memories I’ll ever have.

Popularity: 10% [?]

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