I Thought I Tuned In For The Oscars, Not The Tonys

king-oscarIf you count 5 years as a long time, then last night I broke a longstanding tradition- I watched the Academy Awards. On February 29, 2004, as The Return of the King was named Best Picture, I realized that this whole ceremony really didn’t do anything to enrich my life or even keep me distracted from general perils of my life. Not only that, even though I thoroughly enjoyed the conclusion of The Lord of the Rings, it was overwrought and way too full of little Tolkien tidbits that only served to lengthen the run time. The award was only given to recognize the three movies, of which The Fellowship of the Ring was clearly [...]

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5 Alternative Sports Movies For The Offseason

Since the NFL season ends today and won’t be seen again until August, it seems like a good time to study up on some of the non-mainstream sports you might take an interest in until football returns.

Rollerball

rollerballDo I really need to say this would the 1975 version of Rollerball that I’m talking about? I wish it weren’t the case, because Chris Klein couldn’t even be in the same room as James Caan’s jockstrap, let alone hold it. The year is 2018 and Rollerball is THE sport. Two teams of ten (seven skaters and three on motorcycles) circle the track in an attempt to get possession of a grapefruit-sized steel ball and place it [...]

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Does “Best Picture” Really Mean Anything?

oscar-pimpNow that the Academy Award nominations have been announced, there are five more movies that will go down in history as those identified by the most widely respected movie adjudication entity as the best made last year. The nominees for Best Picture are The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, and Slumdog Millionaire. None of them will appear on the list of the most successful movies of the year- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button currently sits at number 20 for movies released in 2008, but well short of the top 5 as of the announcement of the nominations. It follows that none of them will be near the top in attendance [...]

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Truth In Advertising?

I inadvertently saw a commercial for Without a Paddle: Nature Calling, which was apparently released on DVD last week. It was news to me, but anything about this movie would be because I would never advertently try to gain any info on this movie. It must be a sequel to the Seth Green/Matthew Lillard/Dax Shepard barnburner Without a Paddle.

Ordinarily seeing a commercial for a sequel I would never see to a movie I never saw and have no plans to see would cause my brain to engage boob tube zombie mode where the images hit my eyeballs but fail to leave a lasting impression on my cerebral cortex. Unfortunately something caught my attention and now, for better or worse but most likely worse, [...]

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The Ruins Ruined A Perfectly Good Hour And A Half

I saw this movie about a group of college-aged Americans on vacation in a remote foreign locale who meet some Europeans who are also vacationing and some of these people are killed by an evil entity this is protected and/or fueled by the locals. Did I see A) Turistas, B) Hostel, C) Hostel Part II, D) The Ruins, or E) some other generic horror movie that follows the same formula. If you’ve been following since the title, you probably guessed The Ruins. And I’d say you’re probably right, but I can’t say for sure since these movies all kind of blend together into a haze of blood, stupidity, and vivisection.

the-ruins-templeWhat sets The Ruins apart [...]

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Did Mike Meyers Make The Worst Movie Of 2008?

Up until a few years ago, I always felt compelled to finish watching a movie once I started. I think it’s most likely that I’ve always thought that even if a movie doesn’t entertain, at least I could learn what makes a movie bad. I’m not sure if I’ve just seen enough movies that I get bored easily or that I’ve finally realized I won’t be around forever and value my remaining time way too much, but if I can’t find a reason to keep watching a movie past the first act, I’m done.

the-love-guruOne of the most recent victims of my new philosophy was The Love Guru. And I couldn’t even give that pile [...]

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5 Christmas Movies I’ll Be Watching

I’ve never really been hot on all the traditional Christmas movies. Miracle on 34th Street and It’s a Wonderful Life are swell enough, but I don’t get an itch to see them again. Truth be told, it doesn’t really feel like Christmas until I watch some South Park Christmas episodes. But if I’m going to watch a Christmas movie, I’ll pick one of these.

lethal-weapon-posterInstead of Santa and Rudolph, I’ll take Murtaugh and Riggs. From Jingle Bell Rock leading from the opening credits to a mostly naked woman committing suicide to a drug bust in a Christmas tree lot to Riggs giving Murtaugh a Christmas present of the bullet he’d been saving to kill himself, [...]

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Indiana Jones And The Spaceship Of Crap

The latest Indiana Jones movie went through several names before they settled on Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. There were Indiana Jones and the: Saucer Men from Mars, City of Gods, Destroyer of Worlds, Son of Indiana Jones, Mysterians, Atomic Ants, Phantom City of Gods. A couple of those have to be jokes, but honestly, it clearly illustrates the asinine journey this movie took.

Psychic alien skulls and inter-dimensional flying saucers are about as relevant to the Indiana Jones universe as the appendix to the human body- they’re unnecessary and you’re often better off getting rid of them. It could be argued that the religious relics of the previous three movies were just as ridiculous, [...]

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Kung Fu Panda: My Fat Belly Style Can Defeat Whatever You Got

One trait common to all Kung Fu masters is that they practice a distinctive style of Kung Fu- Monkey, Crane, Hamster. But when you’re a big, cuddly Panda, the options are limited: either sneeze and try to scare the hell out of everyone or develop your own style around your enormous gut.

In Kung Fu Panda, Po (Jack Black) is charged with the task of discovering his own style of Kung Fu as he tries to fulfill his destiny as the Dragon Warrior, which he tackles with great enthusiasm. Vicious beatings by Shifu (Dustin Hoffman) and the Furious Five, all chagrined that they were not chosen to be the Dragon Warrior, cannot crush his spirit, [...]

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Gattaca: Beware The Man With Dirty Genes

As long as there have been people, there’s been a desire to change the way we are. We’ve found ways to manipulate some of these things- dye our hair, wear colored contacts, exercise to get stronger, train to run faster. But wouldn’t it be nice if we were just born that way? We could have the inate ability to run a four minute mile or grow to exactly six feet five inches or have strawberry blond hair. And not only tweak our physical traits, but be born disease-free and without the chance of developing disease later in life. It’s every parent’s dream- to have a physically perfect child molded to their own specifications. [...]

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