Weekend Predictions: 03-20-09

This weekend Hollywood is changing things up a bit. Instead of giving us another Disney family movie, another horror remake, and another sex comedy made by a bunch of people no one has ever heard of, we get an action movie, some sort of spy movie, and a dick flick- it’s like a chick flick but about guys and features dirty jokes rather than romance.

The big movie this weekend is Knowing, kind of a big scif-fi/action/thriller sort of thing. Nicolas Cage digs up a time capsule and finds it chock full of predictions of the future- some that have come true and some that have yet to. It sounds like it could be more garbage along the lines of Next, but Ale Proyas [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 03-13-09

For the first time since the last Friday the 13th, we’ve got three new wide releases for the weekend. We got another Disney family movie, another horror remake, and another sex comedy made by a bunch of people no one has ever heard of. What a great time to be alive!

The Rock, or as most people know him- Dwayne Johnson, is back again with more family-friendly entertainment in Race to Witch Mountain. It first seemed like The Rock’s career was targeted towards entertaining the WWE hoodlums that geeked out whenever he raised his eyebrow, but at some point it shifted towards entertaining the kids that his old fans probably used to beat up. The Game Plan, Gridiron Gang, and soon Tooth Fairy, where [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 03-06-09

watchmenThe question is who’s watching the Watchmen? The answer is damn near everyone since this is the only new wide release this weekend. Every other movie apparently trembles in fear of Watchmen’s greatness.

I’ve never been into comics or their high-minded cousin the graphic novel, or all this superhero nonsense either. Really, it just does nothing for me. If it’s a good movie, then great. If it’s not, then it ain’t much of a surprise. A lot of people are already in love with the movie because they love the graphic novel, but a good source does not a good movie make. Although I haven’t read more handful of comics, I know enough to know [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 02-27-09

It’s another barnburner of a weekend for movies! There are two fine new films being released this week. It’s too bad they’re getting released so early in the year- it will definitely hurt their chances of picking up nominations for next year’s big awards. Pfft!

If the Jonas Brothers curl your toes, prepare for the orgasm of your life. Finally, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience is here. If you’re asking yourself what the hell a Jonas Brother is and why should I care, the answers are nothing significant and don’t bother. Just ignore this and go see that movie about the transvestite in prison or any of the other fine movies that have been released lately. And if the Jonas Brothers do get [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 02-20-09

fed-upWith the Academy Awards this Sunday, Hollywood is pulling out all the stops to use this weekend to showcase the best in movies. So it follows that they’ve given us not one, but TWO great new comedies to choose from. You have your choice of the ever popular dude-looks-like-a-lady comedy or the equally popular horny-ass teenager comedy. Life… is… good. At least that’s what my psychiatrist tells me to say when I become disillusioned by the state of cinema and start ogling the razor blades.

If you’re into cross-dressing, or even if you’re just into looking at cross-dressers, you lucked out this weekend. Tyler Perry is back, again, with more of his cross-dressing antics in [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 02-13-09

It’s understandable if you suffer a little déjà vu when you peruse the new releases this weekend. For the third week in a row we’ve got a new romantic comedy, a low profile action-centric movie, and a horror movie.

There is a Friday the 13th remake. I predict $31,622,044.

The second biggest release this weekend is Confessions of a Shopaholic. A romantic comedy based on the popular book of the same name. What differentiates this movie from He’s Just Not The Into You is the lack of big names and a PG rating. Maybe it’s just that I’m a dude, or maybe these movies are just directed at fans of the books, but even though I’ve seen the trailers for both these movies several [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 02-06-09

this-baby-says-boringIf you’re going to see a movie this month, might as well make it this weekend. This is as good as it’ll get until March, when some event movies start showing up. Until then it just gets more bleak every week.

Don’t be embarrassed to ogle the spreadsheet.

First up this week is The Pink Panther 2. No, this isn’t a re-release and re-titling of A Shot in the Dark, it’s a sequel to 2006′s The Pink Panther. The first one made plenty of money, so a sequel was inevitable and I predict, as worthless. Steve Martin, shame on you. While Martin should be walking around wearing a scarlet thumbs down, the real asshole is [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 01-30-09

This will most likely be a poor weekend for movies. If you hadn’t heard, “The Big Game” is this Sunday. “The Big Game” is the Super Bowl, but since the NFL protects it’s intellectual properties like no other, you’ll hear “The Big Game” a whole lot more than Super Bowl. They tried to trademark “The Big Game” too, but that was going too far. Since the Super Bowl effectively makes Sunday the day the Earth stands still, probably going to cut into box office returns.

Check out the prediction calculations here.

The biggest new release of the weekend is Taken. The difference between this and the Luc Besson-Jason Statham actioners is that Liam Neeson is a fairly respected actor and gives the movie a [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 01-23-09

rise-of-the-lycansNot a great weekend for new movies, this. Only two new movies will appear in more than 81 theaters, and then less than 3,000. But if you like those movies that were nominated for Academy Awards, several are expanding to wider releases. Now’s the time for them to capitalize on all that award buzz.

Check out all my detailed calculations here.

The biggest new release is the much anticipated Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, in 2,942 theaters. The first Underworld was a pretty decent movie, but the second one started getting a little too concerned with the mythology, but heck, it did outgross the first one. Even though the third installment goes to new, nerdlier, [...]

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Weekend Report: Mall Cop Makes Good

The biggest movie this weekend was, as Paul Harvey said, “something called Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” Somehow this movie exceeded everyone’s expectations, including Sony Pictures. It was the only new movie that is really accessible to all demographics and it took advantage of it.

Paul Blart made me look pretty stupid for predicting $13,028,182. The total for the three day weekend came to $31,832,636. Unfortunately my formula is unable to account for the tastes of American moviegoers. One weekend it’s an aging actor in what could be his career-defining role (Gran Torino), the next it’s a critically-bashed Die Hard-esque family comedy. Go figure. For those interested, blart is a portmanteau of the words blood and fart.

My Bloody Valentine 3-D came in third at [...]

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