Weekend Predictions: 02-27-09

It’s another barnburner of a weekend for movies! There are two fine new films being released this week. It’s too bad they’re getting released so early in the year- it will definitely hurt their chances of picking up nominations for next year’s big awards. Pfft!

If the Jonas Brothers curl your toes, prepare for the orgasm of your life. Finally, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience is here. If you’re asking yourself what the hell a Jonas Brother is and why should I care, the answers are nothing significant and don’t bother. Just ignore this and go see that movie about the transvestite in prison or any of the other fine movies that have been released lately. And if the Jonas Brothers do get you off, per Rolling Stone, you’re in luck: you’ll get to see “the boys thrust their hoses right through the screen and spray their squealing audience with jizzy white foam.” It’s as close as you’ll get to your Jonas Brothers bukkake fantasy. I pretty much mailed in the prediction, not wanting to waste the time to fill out the spreadsheet since it will probably be right in line with that Hanna Montana movie. I came up with $39,642,362.

On the other hand, if mind-numbly stupid video game adaptations are your thing, you’ll delight in the wonders of Street Fighter The Legend of Chun-Li. It’s been 15 years since the first Street Fighter video game movie. Sadly, that one featured the final on-screen performance of Raul Julia. And that’s clearly the best thing about the movie. This time, instead of Julia and Jean-Claude Van Damme, we get Kristin Kreuk and Chris Klein. Talk about star power. The budget for this movie was around $60 million. Whoever greenlit this movie, I think it was supposed to be a joke. It’ll be quite some time before this thing is profitable, if ever. I predict $6,570,484.

Taken is still just shy of $100 million, but that will be rectified this weekend. That movie from last week, the one with the transvestite in jail, will probably lose to the Jonas kids, but should still be far ahead of whoever comes in third. Slumdog Millionaire is expanding to it’s widest release in hopes to get as much of that Oscar money as it can. The Reader is also expanding to it’s widest release, but an Oscar for Kate Winslet probably won’t do much for it.

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