Weekend Predictions: 02-06-09

this-baby-says-boringIf you’re going to see a movie this month, might as well make it this weekend. This is as good as it’ll get until March, when some event movies start showing up. Until then it just gets more bleak every week.

Don’t be embarrassed to ogle the spreadsheet.

First up this week is The Pink Panther 2. No, this isn’t a re-release and re-titling of A Shot in the Dark, it’s a sequel to 2006′s The Pink Panther. The first one made plenty of money, so a sequel was inevitable and I predict, as worthless. Steve Martin, shame on you. While Martin should be walking around wearing a scarlet thumbs down, the real asshole is producer Robert Simonds. There are movies in his filmography that people seem to like, but there isn’t one that can’t be accurately described by the word ‘crap.’ My opinions notwithstanding, I calculated $22,835,088 for this turd.

The second biggest release this week is He’s Just Not That into You. This movie is based on the self-help book of the same name. JESUS HAROLD CHRIST ON A FUCKING RUBBER CRUTCH, IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? I don’t know how you make a movie out of a self-help book, but shit, whatever. If you’re jonesing for a romcom, here you go, but this one’s been sitting on a shelf for over a year. You’ve been warned. $17,895,674.

Push is the third biggest opening this weekend and the only one not based on a pre-existing property. At least they say it’s an original idea, but it seems derivative of every sci-fi/action/super power/evil organization premise that has come before. I’d even contend this is a sequel to Jumper, whether the two are related or not. I guess this is the movie the young male demographic is expected to see this weekend. But Chris Evans (or as he’s known in my household, Jake Wyler) is alright and Djimon Hounsou (or as he’s known in my household, Digimon) is always good. I’m calling for $22,242,860 this weekend. Probably more than it’ll make, but about what it deserves compared to the competition.

And the final wide release this weekend is Coraline, based on the popular, award-winning children’s book. The movie has gotten very good reviews, unlike the other three opening this week which received poor reviews at best. In a just world, this would easily take the weekend. But like my mom always used to remind me, the world ain’t fair. Stop-motion animation is the red-headed stepchild of the animation world and, well, it is a children’s book, but it’s horror story. It will mostly be hurt by the perception that it’s too scary for younger kids, the target audience. I came up with $7,688,165. Hopefully I’m way low.

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