Legendary Icon Stretch Armstrong To Hit The Big Screen

stretch-armstrongFinally, after 33 long, insufferable years, the limber-limbed hero who has brought hope and joy to millions is finally recognized by Hollywood for what he truly is- another familiar property upon which to capitalize.

You’ve long heard of the epic battles of Stretch Armstrong and his mortal enemy Evil X-ray Wretch Armstrong. Two diametrically opposed masters of elasticity that have viciously fought over the souls of all mankind. The heroic exploits of Stretch Armstrong have become part of the very fabric of our lives. They are the legends from which legends are born.

Master of introspective reflection and the subtleties of character interaction Steve Oedekerk has been hired to try to create a screenplay worthy of the iconic action figure. Oedekerk was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, as he was able to do the unthinkable and bridge the eons-old chasm in human-animal relations. He’ll try to create a worthy script, but ultimately fail as telling the tale of Stretch Armstrong is akin to trying to teach quantum mechanics to a rock. It can’t be done.

Hasbro has shown great restraint when selecting which of their innumerable properties to attempt to adapt to the big screen. They’ve selected the very few, the very best for this honor. They’ve recently announced that Candy Land, a game saturated in political intrigue and Greek tragedy story lines, will be adapted into a movie, fulfilling the dreams of millions who have clamored for a film version of the Faustian tale. Now with Stretch Armstrong, Hasbro has proven that indeed only the most worthy and beloved of their deep libraries of recognizable names will be chosen.

I remember when I was just a wee lad, my great-grandfather bedazzled me with stories of Armstrong’s selfless heroics and feats of derring-do that he himself heard from his great-grandfather. They’re tales that have been passed from generation to generation like a fine antique or an inherited genetic disease. They are stories I hope to one day tell my own great-grandson.

There are no more ideas in Hollywood.

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