Horror Movie Musings

I’ve been watching a lot of horror movies lately. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad. Are there any good horror movies made in the US anymore?

With these half-assed horror remakes, is it better to see the original first to know what the remake did so wrong or see the remake first to see what the original did so well?

How can a deranged killer elude an entire police force, find every hidden entrance and exit, kill everyone that gets in his way, and somehow manage to be outsmarted by a teenage girl?

When a cop is stationed in their cruiser outside a house, it’s usually a death sentence.

To date, John Carpenter and Wes Craven have both had 11% of their movies remade, with more remakes in the works. They’ve each been credited as a producer on some of those remakes. Does that make them financial geniuses or corrupt artists?

When someone shoots the bad guy, why do they never aim for the head?

Boyfriends that are assholes usually die. Boyfriends that are nice usually only get maimed.

Why do victims never look behind themselves while walking backward?

The killer will catch you no matter how fast you run.

If there’s a corpse hidden somewhere, it will probably fall on someone.

By my reckoning, out of the top 40 of the American Film Institute’s 100 greatest movies, Psycho (18) is the only one that has been remade.

If an unseen person is creeping around in the shadows, it’s probably not the killer.

Why is an upstairs closet such a popular place to hide?

Prudes tend to outlive sluts.

A creepy house in the middle of the woods is home to inbred cannibals. You can set your watch to it.

Directors that became famous for making good low-budget horror movies often become producers on bad low-budget horror movies.

When there’s danger about, even if all the characters vow not to, someone will wander off by themselves.

Why do people always forget they have a pet cat wandering around the house?

There is usually a strong correlation between a woman’s cup size and and the brutality of her death.

The guy that just escaped from the mental hospital is stealthier than a ninja, always sneaking up behind people.

It’s pretty hard to flood a fuel-injected engine. Unless you’re in a horror movie.

When the killer kills someone, that person’s dead. When someone kills the killer, the killer isn’t dead.

A good rule of thumb: less gore = better movie.

Above all else, horror movies have taught me that ANYTHING can be used as an instrument of death.

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