Hollywood Got A Clue, And They’ll Get Another

Hasbro has made it known recently that they are completely unfulfilled with just selling toys and board games. I guess they’re hurting like everyone else, unable to get their net income out of the low hundreds of millions.

To beef up the income statement, they’re making movies out of every damn property they’ve got, be it a game for babies or some random damn toy. Monopoly, Candy Land, Stretch-Friggin-Armstrong. Really, there are no depths they won’t plumb.

But for some reason, some shitass fucking reason, that’s not good enough. They can’t just pick some game off the shelf, throw it on the table and call it good. Nooooo. They’ve got to go after the one, THE LONE, SINGLE BOARD GAME MOVIE THAT ALREADY EXISTS and remake that bitch. Oh yes, those bastards, those shitless asshats are re-fucking-making Clue.

Making a movie, and not just a direct-to-video pile, but a full-on theatrical release by a recognizable filmmaker, out of some game or toy that has no real story associated with it is bad enough, but to remake the only board game movie that has ever been made, it’s just, just incomprehensible.

Gore Verbinski is the man they’ve paid off to develop this travesty. He’s made a career of making needless adaptations. The Ring. The first Pirates of the Caribbean, which was based on an amusement park ride of all the stupid things, was okay, but the sequels were incredibly self-indulgent, annoying, and overlong. Then up next, before he starts fucking up the Clue remake, he’s going to do BioShock, based on a video game. This guy.

Ah well, remakes will be made, the Sun will rise, people will die. So it goes.

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