Weekend Predictions: 02-27-09

It’s another barnburner of a weekend for movies! There are two fine new films being released this week. It’s too bad they’re getting released so early in the year- it will definitely hurt their chances of picking up nominations for next year’s big awards. Pfft!

If the Jonas Brothers curl your toes, prepare for the orgasm of your life. Finally, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience is here. If you’re asking yourself what the hell a Jonas Brother is and why should I care, the answers are nothing significant and don’t bother. Just ignore this and go see that movie about the transvestite in prison or any of the other fine movies that have been released lately. And if the Jonas Brothers do get [...]

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Hollywood Got A Clue, And They’ll Get Another

Hasbro has made it known recently that they are completely unfulfilled with just selling toys and board games. I guess they’re hurting like everyone else, unable to get their net income out of the low hundreds of millions.

To beef up the income statement, they’re making movies out of every damn property they’ve got, be it a game for babies or some random damn toy. Monopoly, Candy Land, Stretch-Friggin-Armstrong. Really, there are no depths they won’t plumb.

But for some reason, some shitass fucking reason, that’s not good enough. They can’t just pick some game off the shelf, throw it on the table and call it good. Nooooo. They’ve got to go after the one, THE LONE, SINGLE BOARD GAME MOVIE THAT ALREADY EXISTS [...]

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Horror Movie Musings

I’ve been watching a lot of horror movies lately. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad. Are there any good horror movies made in the US anymore?

With these half-assed horror remakes, is it better to see the original first to know what the remake did so wrong or see the remake first to see what the original did so well?

How can a deranged killer elude an entire police force, find every hidden entrance and exit, kill everyone that gets in his way, and somehow manage to be outsmarted by a teenage girl?

When a cop is stationed in their cruiser outside a house, it’s usually a death sentence.

To date, John Carpenter and Wes Craven have both had 11% of their movies remade, [...]

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Weekend Report: Madea Shanks The Competition

Despite only opening two movies and having the second lowest weekend box office total of the year, somehow it was still a record-breaking weekend. I had predicted $14,363,931 for Madea Goes to Jail, but I must have transposed some numbers or something because this movie, it took in $41,030,947. It crushed anything Tyler Perry has put out before. Crushed by $11 million. I guess more people were looking forward to this than expected. Or at least more than anything else showing this weekend: the next closest movie was $30 million back.

As for the record, it’s said that this was the biggest ever opening on the fewest number of screens. What the hell that means, I know not. How do you even calculate something [...]

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I Thought I Tuned In For The Oscars, Not The Tonys

king-oscarIf you count 5 years as a long time, then last night I broke a longstanding tradition- I watched the Academy Awards. On February 29, 2004, as The Return of the King was named Best Picture, I realized that this whole ceremony really didn’t do anything to enrich my life or even keep me distracted from general perils of my life. Not only that, even though I thoroughly enjoyed the conclusion of The Lord of the Rings, it was overwrought and way too full of little Tolkien tidbits that only served to lengthen the run time. The award was only given to recognize the three movies, of which The Fellowship of the Ring was clearly [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 02-20-09

fed-upWith the Academy Awards this Sunday, Hollywood is pulling out all the stops to use this weekend to showcase the best in movies. So it follows that they’ve given us not one, but TWO great new comedies to choose from. You have your choice of the ever popular dude-looks-like-a-lady comedy or the equally popular horny-ass teenager comedy. Life… is… good. At least that’s what my psychiatrist tells me to say when I become disillusioned by the state of cinema and start ogling the razor blades.

If you’re into cross-dressing, or even if you’re just into looking at cross-dressers, you lucked out this weekend. Tyler Perry is back, again, with more of his cross-dressing antics in [...]

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Jackie Chan Exposes China’s Softer Side

jackie-chanIt’s been a while since Jackie Chan has been relevant. Once he broke into the US market, he was too bankable to keep on performing all his crazy stunts and seems to have put much more effort into coming up with a wider array of expressive faces to mug at the camera.

His next movie will be a departure from most anything else he’s done, playing a mechanic who goes in search of his girlfriend and ends up working as a killer for the Yakuza. It’s supposed to be heavy on drama and very light on action. Chan himself says it might be about 1% action.

But it looks like even 1% action is too [...]

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Weekend Report: Sweet Jesus

This was a great weekend at the movies. That’s a comment on the amount of money pulled in at the box office, not on the copious number of quality movies. The total take was $189,007,885, up 22% from last week and 36% from last year. The long weekend was good to many movies- through Sunday, Taken was off just 8% from last week, Coraline 12%, and Paul Blart [sigh] was up 1%.

But all that means less than nothing when it’s fueled by another godforsaken remake. Friday the 13th pulled in with $40,570,365, $9 million above my prediction. The fact that it was released on Friday the 13th no doubt gave it a boost, but the wide appeal of horror movies these days has [...]

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Legendary Icon Stretch Armstrong To Hit The Big Screen

stretch-armstrongFinally, after 33 long, insufferable years, the limber-limbed hero who has brought hope and joy to millions is finally recognized by Hollywood for what he truly is- another familiar property upon which to capitalize.

You’ve long heard of the epic battles of Stretch Armstrong and his mortal enemy Evil X-ray Wretch Armstrong. Two diametrically opposed masters of elasticity that have viciously fought over the souls of all mankind. The heroic exploits of Stretch Armstrong have become part of the very fabric of our lives. They are the legends from which legends are born.

Master of introspective reflection and the subtleties of character interaction Steve Oedekerk has been hired to try to create a screenplay worthy [...]

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Weekend Predictions: 02-13-09

It’s understandable if you suffer a little déjà vu when you peruse the new releases this weekend. For the third week in a row we’ve got a new romantic comedy, a low profile action-centric movie, and a horror movie.

There is a Friday the 13th remake. I predict $31,622,044.

The second biggest release this weekend is Confessions of a Shopaholic. A romantic comedy based on the popular book of the same name. What differentiates this movie from He’s Just Not The Into You is the lack of big names and a PG rating. Maybe it’s just that I’m a dude, or maybe these movies are just directed at fans of the books, but even though I’ve seen the trailers for both these movies several [...]

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