Weekend Predictions: 01-09-09

the-unborn-posterFinally, some new releases for 2009. Since we’re now out of award qualification season, we’ll start to see more crappy movies as the studios dump them into the toilet bowl that is January. The two biggest new releases this weekend are Bride Wars and The Unborn. Please, whatever you do, go see something else. See Marley and Me again. Watch clouds pass by. Just don’t see either of these two movies- your brains cells will be better for it.

Check out all the details on the spreadsheet.

Two women, best friends, are getting married. They’ll be each other’s maids of honor. They’ve both booked their dream venue, The Plaza Hotel. But by some fluke their weddings were planned on the same day and neither one wants to acquiesce to the other’s dream. The shit proceeds to hit the fan. This is Bride Wars. And if you believe most of the people who’ve seen it, it sucks. Some of the criticisms include “the movie makes a ridiculous ass of itself” and “even at this early stage of the year, Bride Wars is certain to rank among the ten worst releases of 2009.” Even with just seven of the 60 reviews on Rotten Tomatoes positive, the movie will most likely be number one this weekend. A catfight between Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson should be able to put butts in the seats, regardless of quality. I calculated $22,650,700 for the weekend.

i-spit-on-your-graveThe second biggest release is The Unborn, in 2,356 theaters. If you like your movies just a little bit scary or you’re a teenager wanting to see a horror movie, this one’s for you. Making sure horror movies lose the horror and slide in with a PG-13 rating is all the rage these days, and The Unborn is no exception. The result is usually a boring, unoriginal movie with the kinds of things unicorn-hugging 14-year old girls find terrifying. Only three brave critics of the 27 with reviews on RT have dared give a positive review. The one thing about The Unborn that’s halfway interesting is the poster, but it’s pretty much a ripoff of I Spit on Your Grave. I initially calculated a total of $23,666,985 for the movie, but that was heavily skewed by Gary Oldman’s presence in The Dark Knight and the Harry Potter movies. I chopped that number in half for a final prediction of $11,833,492.

Gran Torino is finally expanding wide this weekend and could end up in second place as Marley and Me’s power begins to wane. The holidays have been too kind to that old dog.

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