By Crom! Brett Ratner Has A New Franchise To Kill

So, is it just a coincidence that Brett Ratner’s last name sounds an awful lot like Rat Turd? Maybe his ineptitude isn’t his fault and that phonetic relation has caused him to take on personality traits not of his last name, but those associated with rat turds. Disgusting, vile, potentially harmful to human beings- sure, those all apply to rat turds or Ratner.

With that in mind, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Ratner is trying to finagle his way into directing a new Conan movie. The movie will be a [SURPRISE!] origin story about the fantasy world’s most famous barbarian, with an eye towards kicking off a lucrative new franchise. The script will be written by Joshua Oppenheimer and Thomas Dean Donnelly, the pair of deep thinkers that penned such epic flops as Sahara and A Sound of Thunder.

This wouldn’t be the first big screen adaptation of Conan. That distinction goes to Conan the Barbarian, featuring the breakthrough performance of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Barbarian didn’t strictly follow the comic book mythology of the character, but with John Milius directing and collaborating on the script with Oliver Stone, the 1982 movie had much sturdier artistic footing, as evidenced by one of the greatest lines of dialogue in movie history:

Mongol General: What is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

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