Decoding WALL-E

So, since I don’t really get out to the theater, my buddy pacer521 from Politics Decoded was nice enough to brave the masses and pay a week’s salary to catch a new release. Who is pacer521, you’re wondering? You’ll know soon enough, he’s popping up all over the Internet. Not to be deterred by sticky floors and little kids, he’s been gracious enough to give us his review of WALL-E.

Disney re-opened their torture chamber to the general public today — in the showing of Wall-E. Your customary G-rated Disney flick? Not exactly. You could say Disney has explored into new territory with their first apocalyptic movie! How fitting. As soon as I entered the theater — I knew i was in for it. Packed with whining children, some too young for school, I for once (I am 13) felt that I was at least 7 years older than everyone in the theater. After sitting through numerous reviews ranging from Quantum of Solace to Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and countless acts of the 5 year old in the seat behind me assaulting my chair, I was ready to blow. The movie didn’t help at all.

The plot was of a trash robot named Wall-E, who I swear is R2D2′s alcoholic brother. He (or she — I couldn’t tell) is the last of many robots who is cleaning up all the trash that us humans have left — which makes Earth impossible to live in. What kills me is that the trash that is laying around is just paper bags and coke cans, while the only waste that would stop us from living on Earth would be nuclear waste — which I guess Disney did not want to inform the 6 year-old behind me of (who by the way was still kicking me). He lives with a cockroach — which was really unnecessary.

Then — an explosion comes from a space ship that touches down on Earth…and Wall-E investigates. So out of the ship comes a bleach-white egg with eyes. Riveting, I know. Its name is Eve, and it turns out she becomes the love interest for Wall-E. So when your watching a movie and the two characters are a drunk version of R2D2 and a Nintendo Wii controller, most people would ditch. But no, I stayed true to my word, and continued watching.

The movie precedes to show Wall-E giving the Wii controller gifts, and then she flips out when Wall-E shows her a plant. She turns all terminator on Wall-E and starts shooting everything with her AK-47 arm. A day later, a ship touches down onto Earth and picks her up.

Wall-E jumps on the outside of the ship, it takes off, and eventually they come to dock another ship where you meet thousands of obese humans who fled Earth 700 years ago. The pilot looks like William Taft, and knows nothing about the actual Earth. Then the Wii remote shows the plant to the Captain — he presses a button, and a message comes up saying that they can return to Earth because there is now sustainable life. Half the kids in the theater started asking their parents to explain that, and the person I was watching the movie with woke up from her nap.

I won’t spoil the ending — in the rare case that anyone reading this actually sees it. The point is, there is no plot, its not entertaining, and you feel pain while watching it if your not as gullible as a 6 year old. The message that I got from it was to stop pollution or else we would all turn into big, stupid fleshballs and hop on a space ship for 700 years. If Disney was trying to tell us that — they could have just invited Al Gore for Pete’s sake.

pacer521